I miss the smell of petrichor

 It's currently 11 pm, Friday night on 6th of September 2024.

I'm writing this on my darkened dorm room, which has no AC like i had in my room back home. I miss writing here because I've just been abandoning this blog for, idk, almost two years now?

Life's been good and went pretty well i guess. I got close with new friends, always laugh with them. Oh and i got a new airpods back in February this year. It's life changing actually, i like having it and blast music with the noise cancellation feature. 

Last night, i remember that i had this blog that i haven't write in so long. It feels good here, it calms me, it's peaceful, and i don't need to worry about being a yapper.

yes, yapper is now a word. 

I imagined that I wrote a book last night, it kinda keeps me up all night thinking what should i write on the first chapter. I don't even care what kind of genre it would be, i could only think of the first page would be on the beach at night.

Anyway, it's been three weeks i'm back here, in college. It's also been three weeks without no rain. At all. I miss the smell of petrichor. The smells when the raindrop hits the ground. I keep wondering when the rain finally happened. There are some days where it would be cloudy but still, no rain. Maybe the smell of petrichor would fix a little bit of my problems.

Do you ever think that your childhood dreams would come true? 

Do you ever think that maybe you really have to sort out all of your traumas?

Do you ever think that maybe the roots of your traumas is from external causes and not just because that you overthinking it?

Do you ever think that maybe you should let all your emotions up rather than just keep bottling it?

The thing is, i don't know how. I have zero clue as to how i let those emotions out and start healing my wounds. 

Lately i've been scared that one day i will burst out all of my emotions. I'm scared that those emotions and feelings i've kept hidden in the back of my mind that's been bottling for so many years finally explode, yet i don't know how to fix it. 

I'm scared of myself.

On the positive note, I got my old self back. The old self that has been locked up. The old self where i enjoy my alone time. The old self that has no worry about boys, love, relationship, at all. The old self where i always put myself first. The old self that has so much integrity on herself and will not let anyone throw her under the bus just to make them feel better about themselves.

I try to stopped being a people pleaser. But what's being done is done. I have no regrets because it all happened for so many reasons. It's the reasons why i am who i am today. I think of myself as one of the luckiest person because even though the world keep throwing rocks at me, i still get myself up everyday and go on about my day. Even though i lost myself, i could bring her back. 

And, a little note for myself, keep being thankful with the things that happened to you. Because if it wasn't happened, you won't be who you are right now.

OH i'm sorry for making this as a sad notes on the end. But hey, no one would judge me here. 

Anyway, please have a great life that you always wanted. Always shoot for the star. You're meant to be one of the greatest of your own version. 

See you later y'all. Love you, always. Your 20 years old self. 

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